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i'm done wishing
on shooting stars, and
i want to be done with you:

i'll let dust settle
on my telescope,
let dust settle in
my throat, my lungs.
twist your fingers through
my vocal cords,
press your palm to
my lips and tell me, hush
don't wish on things
falling too fast
to hear you


--

maybe i'll wish
on seashells
instead:

they are quiet houses
for muted ghosts, though
more alive than you
have ever been.
i'll let you
pull me under,
paint my eyes
with salt, blind me
so you can murmur, shh
even dead things
can be beautiful
if wishes were fishes,

--

critique for theWrittenRevolution : comments.deviantart.com/1/2632…

-how was the flow? did the line breaks add to or take away from the poem?
-did the two pieces tie together?
-was it too cliched?
-other opinions?

--

thank you so much for the daily deviation! it means a lot to me :heart:
Add a Comment:
 

Daily Deviation

Given 2015-03-09
hush by moondrums is beautiful and sublime. ( Featured by SingingFlames )
:iconparalyticprocess:
ParalyticProcess Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2015  New Deviant Hobbyist Writer
Beautiful work. Love love love.
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2015  Student Photographer
thanks so much! 
Reply
:iconparalyticprocess:
ParalyticProcess Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2015  New Deviant Hobbyist Writer
No problem! And congratulations on the DD! You deserved it for such a lovely piece. :)
Reply
:iconwolfhound25:
wolfhound25 Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2015
when the phrase, "it hurts in a good way," is made real, this poem is what it should be talking about
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2015  Student Photographer
:heart: 
Reply
:iconstryker2012:
Stryker2012 Featured By Owner Edited Mar 12, 2015
I liked the poem very much.  the two pieces do tie together, because you want to distance yourself from wishing on shooting stars blazing brightly, fast moving, inconstant and ephemeral... you chose to wish on something wholly different... seashells, quiet, unassuming, dependable for lack of a better word.  The disturbing tying portion is truly in this other represented that would hush you, silence you, crush the life from you whilst whispering disturbing "sweet nothings" 

This encompasses so much of how we feel when we fall, we give our hearts... perhaps blindly to another whom is not what or as they seem.  Under the Iron fist with velvet glove that would take our expression, our voice, til we are dead inside... but beautiful.

In love you cannot negotiate with a terrorist or thief... they will take everything til you've nothing left to give... then go after even the ability to give the nothing you have left.
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2015  Student Photographer
thanks very much! 
Reply
:iconkimraifan:
KimRaiFan Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2015
This is actually a quite unique piece. I love the way you've described the seashells, and the very fact that youve mentioned wishing on them. It's a really beautiful poem :heart:
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2015  Student Photographer
thank you! :heart: 
Reply
:iconkimraifan:
KimRaiFan Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2015
You're welcomed :hug:
Reply
:iconcinnamoncandy:
Cinnamoncandy Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Beautiful! Congratulations on your DD! :heart:
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2015  Student Photographer
thank you!  
Reply
:iconautumnraineangel:
AutumnRaineAngel Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2015  Student General Artist
Beautiful <3 You deserved the Daily Deviation :) Congrats ^^
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2015  Student Photographer
thanks so much :heart: 
Reply
:iconshadowsquill:
ShadowsQuill Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2015   Writer
This is beautiful and absolutely lovely. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2015  Student Photographer
thank you! ♡
Reply
:iconmikeyjean:
mikeyjean Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2015
this is amazing.........don't wish on things falling too fast....that is such a damn great line.....gawd I love it
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2015  Student Photographer
thank you! ♡
Reply
:iconmikeyjean:
mikeyjean Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2015
you are welcome sweetie
Reply
:iconblack-kat9:
BlacK-Kat9 Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Lovely just lovely.
appreciated imagery,
wonderful conflict,
And most of all, human and connectable.
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2015  Student Photographer
thank you! :heart: 
Reply
:icondjones90125:
Djones90125 Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2015
Beautiful!
Outstanding job!
*Bows respectfully*
Cheers.
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2015  Student Photographer
thanks so much! 
Reply
:iconsnowstormninja24:
SnowStormNinja24 Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2015
This is so, so beautiful~ :clap:
Congrats on the DD!
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2015  Student Photographer
thank you! 
Reply
:iconskelefetus:
skelefetus Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Your words are vastly inspiring. <3

KUDOS ;D
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2015  Student Photographer
thank you! ♡
Reply
:iconkrasblak:
krasblak Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2015  Professional Photographer
Wow! Congratulations on the Daily Deviation recognition!
:heart::iconmh1plz::iconmh2plz::iconmh3plz::iconmh4plz::iconmh5plz::heart:
:bow:  :hug:  :omg:  :glomp:  :worship:  :wow:  :clap:  :bow:
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2015  Student Photographer
thanks so much! ♡
Reply
:iconkrasblak:
krasblak Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2015  Professional Photographer
my pleasure :)
Reply
:iconlostgryphin:
LostGryphin Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2015  Hobbyist Photographer
wow - I really enjoyed reading this - I especially liked the lines: They are quiet houses/for muted ghosts - I never thought of seashells that way
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2015  Student Photographer
thanks so much! 
Reply
:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Congrats on the DD! :dalove:
Have a nice day! :love: by CookiemagiK
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2015  Student Photographer
thank you! 
Reply
:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Mar 30, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
My pleasure! Cuddling Practice by TheHugClub
Reply
:icontauntology:
tauntology Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2015
congrats on the dd! 
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2015  Student Photographer
thanks! ♡
Reply
:icontgiba:
TGIBA Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I can't even find words to describe how much I love this....
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Student Photographer
thank you so much :heart:
Reply
:icontgiba:
TGIBA Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for giving birth to this amazing creation!!!
Reply
:icontiajones:
tiajones Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
"hush
don't wish on things
falling too fast
to hear you"

the flow was lovely!
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012  Student Photographer
thank you :heart:
Reply
:icontiajones:
tiajones Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
of course. (:
Reply
:iconpencil-wolf:
Pencil-Wolf Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012  Student General Artist
I love how some of the lines blend together. It really makes it flow, and keeps the brain working, connecting two ideas to each other, and how it goes from one idea to another, like a and ab, b, bc (each letter being a different idea, a is dusty telescopes, ab, dusty throats... does that make sense? XD) in the second stanza. My favorite lines are definitely the ones in italics. (: This is beautiful.

I think the line added to the piece, giving it a mental pause, and that the two sections do go well together.
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2012  Student Photographer
thank you :heart:
Reply
:iconpencil-wolf:
Pencil-Wolf Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2012  Student General Artist
Welcome. (:
Reply
:iconmissdelayingit:
Missdelayingit Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This piece is so interesting, I love it!
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012  Student Photographer
thank you :heart:
Reply
:iconartofdezzy:
ArtofDezzy Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012
WOW ! i love it :)
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Student Photographer
thank you :heart:
Reply
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Submitted on
November 28, 2011
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