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Beautiful literature by Mrs-Freestar-Bul

All The Poets Come To Life by flummo


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Submitted on
November 28, 2011
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874
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i'm done wishing
on shooting stars, and
i want to be done with you:

i'll let dust settle
on my telescope,
let dust settle in
my throat, my lungs.
twist your fingers through
my vocal cords,
press your palm to
my lips and tell me, hush
don't wish on things
falling too fast
to hear you


--

maybe i'll wish
on seashells
instead:

they are quiet houses
for muted ghosts, though
more alive than you
have ever been.
i'll let you
pull me under,
paint my eyes
with salt, blind me
so you can murmur, shh
even dead things
can be beautiful
if wishes were fishes,

--

critique for #theWrittenRevolution : [link]

-how was the flow? did the line breaks add to or take away from the poem?
-did the two pieces tie together?
-was it too cliched?
-other opinions?

:heart:
Add a Comment:
 
:icontgiba:
TGIBA Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I can't even find words to describe how much I love this....
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Student Photographer
thank you so much :heart:
Reply
:icontgiba:
TGIBA Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for giving birth to this amazing creation!!!
Reply
:icontiajones:
tiajones Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
"hush
don't wish on things
falling too fast
to hear you"

the flow was lovely!
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012  Student Photographer
thank you :heart:
Reply
:icontiajones:
tiajones Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
of course. (:
Reply
:iconpencil-wolf:
Pencil-Wolf Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012  Student General Artist
I love how some of the lines blend together. It really makes it flow, and keeps the brain working, connecting two ideas to each other, and how it goes from one idea to another, like a and ab, b, bc (each letter being a different idea, a is dusty telescopes, ab, dusty throats... does that make sense? XD) in the second stanza. My favorite lines are definitely the ones in italics. (: This is beautiful.

I think the line added to the piece, giving it a mental pause, and that the two sections do go well together.
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2012  Student Photographer
thank you :heart:
Reply
:iconpencil-wolf:
Pencil-Wolf Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2012  Student General Artist
Welcome. (:
Reply
:iconmissdelayingit:
Missdelayingit Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This piece is so interesting, I love it!
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012  Student Photographer
thank you :heart:
Reply
:iconartofdezzy:
ArtofDezzy Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Student General Artist
WOW ! i love it :)
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Student Photographer
thank you :heart:
Reply
:iconartofdezzy:
ArtofDezzy Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Student General Artist
hehe sure thing my friend
Reply
:iconsaphirepz:
SaphirePZ Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I loved reading this. :)
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2012  Student Photographer
i'm glad :heart:
Reply
:iconplasticwalrus93:
Plasticwalrus93 Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2012
Fantastic imagery
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2012  Student Photographer
thank you :heart:
Reply
:icon2bodiesas1:
2bodiesas1 Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Amazing.i know where that comes from
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2012  Student Photographer
:heart:
Reply
:icon2bodiesas1:
2bodiesas1 Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
<3
Reply
:iconrocktheacademy:
RockTheAcademy Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2012
Hm. I find this interesting.
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2012  Student Photographer
good interesting or bad interesting? O_o
Reply
:iconrocktheacademy:
RockTheAcademy Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2012
Good! I really like it.
Reply
:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
This was a joy to read. It's beautiful, really.

The flow is melodic and the line breaks definitely don't take away from the poem. I really think your line breaks add the necessary dramatic pauses, and allow you to fall gently from one thought to another, deeper into the emotions of the piece.

You imagery is sublime and I love your use of language. I can't hardly pick a favorite piece. Definitely love this. :)
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2011  Student Photographer
thank you so, so much! this really means a lot to me. :heart:
Reply
:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
You're very welcome. :hug:
Reply
:iconjadite:
Jadite Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2011
i thought this was beautiful. <3

"they are quiet houses
for muted ghosts, though
more alive than you
have ever been."


favorite lines.
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2011  Student Photographer
thanks so much :heart:
Reply
:icongreenleo94:
greenleo94 Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I love the line breaks how they are. You're very clear with the syntax how you want it to be read, so I don't find them to be choppy at all.

I love how the two pieces tie together. I like the parallelism between the two and the structure.

I think anything with shootings stars is cliched, but I love the second "stanza." That totally makes up for it. :D The imagery is so clear and powerful. It's just...wow.

I've noticed that the word "paint" is a bit overused. Compared to the rest of the words and metaphors, it's sort of ordinary. I actually had this pointed out to me, and I like the different word better. I would just play around with it a bit.

I absolutely love this poem by the way. <3
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2011  Student Photographer
thanks so much for this! <3

the word "paint" did give me a little trouble here. i tried to come up with a suitable synonym but i couldn't find one. i'll keep thinking about it, though!

i'm really glad you liked it! thank you :heart:
Reply
:icongreenleo94:
greenleo94 Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
No problem.

I used the word "pollish" instead of paint for my work, but it tweaked the meaning a bit.

You're welcome. :)
Reply
:iconi-am-a-bridgewalker:
i-am-a-bridgewalker Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
"hush
don't wish on things
falling too fast
to hear you"

great lines there!

I for one am a big fan of quick-and-fast line breaks, but each poem will demand something different of you. best strategy I've ever found is to read the piece out loud and break where you find yourself breathing. the line and stanza breaks here didn't jar me at all. = )

the dramatic situation, though, is painted a touch generically. we don't have enough information about either of these characters, their physical or emotional realities, to understand why we're here in this scene, in this relationship. it becomes a matter of reader self-insertion ("I've been in a bad relationship, therefore this could be about me!") which is something you as the writer should try to mitigate. this is your poem! make it do your thing! counterintuitively, more specific portraits will actually draw in reader sympathies all the more.

keep up the good work. = )
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2011  Student Photographer
thanks so much! this is really helpful feedback and it's a tip i'll always remember and try to use. i'm glad you liked it C:
Reply
:iconcar5:
Car5 Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
This pulled me in immediately - magical :)
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2011  Student Photographer
thank you very much C:
Reply
:iconcar5:
Car5 Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
it's my pleasure :-)
Reply
:iconzandneo:
Zandneo Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I like the dreamy atmosphere throughout the poem and I think you did a fantastic job (:
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2011  Student Photographer
thanks so much! :heart:
Reply
:iconzandneo:
Zandneo Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Welcome (:
Reply
:iconmetanoetics:
metanoetics Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2011  Student Writer
Wow. This poem really got to me. I really love the flow and how you broke it up into two different parts: one about wishing on shooting starts and one about wishing on seashells. I also really love the ending. It's really creepy and the italicized font really adds to the eeriness.

My favorite line is:

hush
don't wish on things
falling too fast
to hear you


:heart:
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2011  Student Photographer
thanks so much! this really means a lot to me and i'm glad you like it C: :heart:
Reply
:iconmoonstardust21:
MoonstarDust21 Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Ahhhh, I love it! :heart:
I just love the flow of the poem, and the italicisized parts really help connect the two pieces together! :D
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2011  Student Photographer
thanks so much! :heart:
Reply
:iconmoonstardust21:
MoonstarDust21 Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome! :D
Reply
:icontearoses:
TeaRoses Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2011
I really liked this a lot. The line breaks I think added to it and conveyed the emotion of the narrator. I do think the two pieces tied together; in fact I really don't see it as two distinct pieces.

The first couple of line seemed slightly cliched at first, but when I read the rest it expanded and twisted them so I wouldn't even tell you to change that.
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2011  Student Photographer
thank you so much :heart:
Reply
:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I love this. (:
In regards to the flow, I think you couldn't have done the line length any better. It allows the words to be read simply and taken in without too much over-thinking. The subject doesn't need over thinking. Line breaks are something I'm rather picky about, generally. But I like the way you handled them.
You tied the pieces together splendidly. They blend well and with ease.
I see nothing cliche about this. You took a much different angle than I'm used to seeing, which I appreciate.

This was such a delightful and unique read. (:
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2011  Student Photographer
thank you! i'm glad you liked it!:sun:
Reply
:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
You're very welcome. (:
Reply
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