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i'm done wishing
on shooting stars, and
i want to be done with you:

i'll let dust settle
on my telescope,
let dust settle in
my throat, my lungs.
twist your fingers through
my vocal cords,
press your palm to
my lips and tell me, hush
don't wish on things
falling too fast
to hear you


--

maybe i'll wish
on seashells
instead:

they are quiet houses
for muted ghosts, though
more alive than you
have ever been.
i'll let you
pull me under,
paint my eyes
with salt, blind me
so you can murmur, shh
even dead things
can be beautiful
if wishes were fishes,

--

critique for theWrittenRevolution : comments.deviantart.com/1/2632…

-how was the flow? did the line breaks add to or take away from the poem?
-did the two pieces tie together?
-was it too cliched?
-other opinions?

--

thank you so much for the daily deviation! it means a lot to me :heart:
Add a Comment:
 

Daily Deviation

Given 2015-03-09
hush by moondrums is beautiful and sublime. ( Featured by SingingFlames )
:iconparalyticprocess:
ParalyticProcess Featured By Owner 10 hours ago  New member Hobbyist Writer
Beautiful work. Love love love.
Reply
:iconwolfhound25:
wolfhound25 Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2015
when the phrase, "it hurts in a good way," is made real, this poem is what it should be talking about
Reply
:iconstryker2012:
Stryker2012 Featured By Owner Edited Mar 12, 2015  New member
I liked the poem very much.  the two pieces do tie together, because you want to distance yourself from wishing on shooting stars blazing brightly, fast moving, inconstant and ephemeral... you chose to wish on something wholly different... seashells, quiet, unassuming, dependable for lack of a better word.  The disturbing tying portion is truly in this other represented that would hush you, silence you, crush the life from you whilst whispering disturbing "sweet nothings" 

This encompasses so much of how we feel when we fall, we give our hearts... perhaps blindly to another whom is not what or as they seem.  Under the Iron fist with velvet glove that would take our expression, our voice, til we are dead inside... but beautiful.

In love you cannot negotiate with a terrorist or thief... they will take everything til you've nothing left to give... then go after even the ability to give the nothing you have left.
Reply
:iconkimraifan:
KimRaiFan Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2015
This is actually a quite unique piece. I love the way you've described the seashells, and the very fact that youve mentioned wishing on them. It's a really beautiful poem :heart:
Reply
:iconcinnamoncandy:
Cinnamoncandy Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Beautiful! Congratulations on your DD! :heart:
Reply
:iconautumnraineangel:
AutumnRaineAngel Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2015  Student General Artist
Beautiful <3 You deserved the Daily Deviation :) Congrats ^^
Reply
:iconshadowsquill:
ShadowsQuill Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2015   Writer
This is beautiful and absolutely lovely. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Reply
:iconmikeyjean:
mikeyjean Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2015
this is amazing.........don't wish on things falling too fast....that is such a damn great line.....gawd I love it
Reply
:iconblack-kat9:
BlacK-Kat9 Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Lovely just lovely.
appreciated imagery,
wonderful conflict,
And most of all, human and connectable.
Reply
:icondjones90125:
Djones90125 Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2015
Beautiful!
Outstanding job!
*Bows respectfully*
Cheers.
Reply
:iconsnowstormninja24:
SnowStormNinja24 Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2015
This is so, so beautiful~ :clap:
Congrats on the DD!
Reply
:iconskelefetus:
skelefetus Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Your words are vastly inspiring. <3

KUDOS ;D
Reply
:iconkrasblak:
krasblak Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2015  Professional Artist
Wow! Congratulations on the Daily Deviation recognition!
:heart::iconmh1plz::iconmh2plz::iconmh3plz::iconmh4plz::iconmh5plz::heart:
:bow:  :hug:  :omg:  :glomp:  :worship:  :wow:  :clap:  :bow:
Reply
:iconlostgryphin:
LostGryphin Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2015  Hobbyist Photographer
wow - I really enjoyed reading this - I especially liked the lines: They are quiet houses/for muted ghosts - I never thought of seashells that way
Reply
:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Congrats on the DD! :dalove:
Have a nice day! :love: by CookiemagiK
Reply
:icontauntology:
tauntology Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2015  New member
congrats on the dd! 
Reply
:icontgiba:
TGIBA Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I can't even find words to describe how much I love this....
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Student Photographer
thank you so much :heart:
Reply
:icontgiba:
TGIBA Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for giving birth to this amazing creation!!!
Reply
:icontiajones:
tiajones Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
"hush
don't wish on things
falling too fast
to hear you"

the flow was lovely!
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012  Student Photographer
thank you :heart:
Reply
:icontiajones:
tiajones Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
of course. (:
Reply
:iconpencil-wolf:
Pencil-Wolf Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012  Student General Artist
I love how some of the lines blend together. It really makes it flow, and keeps the brain working, connecting two ideas to each other, and how it goes from one idea to another, like a and ab, b, bc (each letter being a different idea, a is dusty telescopes, ab, dusty throats... does that make sense? XD) in the second stanza. My favorite lines are definitely the ones in italics. (: This is beautiful.

I think the line added to the piece, giving it a mental pause, and that the two sections do go well together.
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2012  Student Photographer
thank you :heart:
Reply
:iconpencil-wolf:
Pencil-Wolf Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2012  Student General Artist
Welcome. (:
Reply
:iconmissdelayingit:
Missdelayingit Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This piece is so interesting, I love it!
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012  Student Photographer
thank you :heart:
Reply
:iconartofdezzy:
ArtofDezzy Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012
WOW ! i love it :)
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Student Photographer
thank you :heart:
Reply
:iconartofdezzy:
ArtofDezzy Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012
hehe sure thing my friend
Reply
:iconsaphirepz:
SaphirePZ Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I loved reading this. :)
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2012  Student Photographer
i'm glad :heart:
Reply
:iconplasticwalrus93:
Plasticwalrus93 Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2012
Fantastic imagery
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2012  Student Photographer
thank you :heart:
Reply
:icon2bodiesas1:
2bodiesas1 Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Amazing.i know where that comes from
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2012  Student Photographer
:heart:
Reply
:icon2bodiesas1:
2bodiesas1 Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
<3
Reply
:iconrocktheacademy:
RockTheAcademy Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2012
Hm. I find this interesting.
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2012  Student Photographer
good interesting or bad interesting? O_o
Reply
:iconrocktheacademy:
RockTheAcademy Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2012
Good! I really like it.
Reply
:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
This was a joy to read. It's beautiful, really.

The flow is melodic and the line breaks definitely don't take away from the poem. I really think your line breaks add the necessary dramatic pauses, and allow you to fall gently from one thought to another, deeper into the emotions of the piece.

You imagery is sublime and I love your use of language. I can't hardly pick a favorite piece. Definitely love this. :)
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2011  Student Photographer
thank you so, so much! this really means a lot to me. :heart:
Reply
:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
You're very welcome. :hug:
Reply
:iconjadite:
Jadite Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2011
i thought this was beautiful. <3

"they are quiet houses
for muted ghosts, though
more alive than you
have ever been."


favorite lines.
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2011  Student Photographer
thanks so much :heart:
Reply
:icongreenleo94:
greenleo94 Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I love the line breaks how they are. You're very clear with the syntax how you want it to be read, so I don't find them to be choppy at all.

I love how the two pieces tie together. I like the parallelism between the two and the structure.

I think anything with shootings stars is cliched, but I love the second "stanza." That totally makes up for it. :D The imagery is so clear and powerful. It's just...wow.

I've noticed that the word "paint" is a bit overused. Compared to the rest of the words and metaphors, it's sort of ordinary. I actually had this pointed out to me, and I like the different word better. I would just play around with it a bit.

I absolutely love this poem by the way. <3
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2011  Student Photographer
thanks so much for this! <3

the word "paint" did give me a little trouble here. i tried to come up with a suitable synonym but i couldn't find one. i'll keep thinking about it, though!

i'm really glad you liked it! thank you :heart:
Reply
:icongreenleo94:
greenleo94 Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
No problem.

I used the word "pollish" instead of paint for my work, but it tweaked the meaning a bit.

You're welcome. :)
Reply
:iconi-am-a-bridgewalker:
i-am-a-bridgewalker Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
"hush
don't wish on things
falling too fast
to hear you"

great lines there!

I for one am a big fan of quick-and-fast line breaks, but each poem will demand something different of you. best strategy I've ever found is to read the piece out loud and break where you find yourself breathing. the line and stanza breaks here didn't jar me at all. = )

the dramatic situation, though, is painted a touch generically. we don't have enough information about either of these characters, their physical or emotional realities, to understand why we're here in this scene, in this relationship. it becomes a matter of reader self-insertion ("I've been in a bad relationship, therefore this could be about me!") which is something you as the writer should try to mitigate. this is your poem! make it do your thing! counterintuitively, more specific portraits will actually draw in reader sympathies all the more.

keep up the good work. = )
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2011  Student Photographer
thanks so much! this is really helpful feedback and it's a tip i'll always remember and try to use. i'm glad you liked it C:
Reply
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November 28, 2011
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