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Submitted on
November 28, 2011
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771
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i'm done wishing
on shooting stars, and
i want to be done with you:

i'll let dust settle
on my telescope,
let dust settle in
my throat, my lungs.
twist your fingers through
my vocal cords,
press your palm to
my lips and tell me, hush
don't wish on things
falling too fast
to hear you


--

maybe i'll wish
on seashells
instead:

they are quiet houses
for muted ghosts, though
more alive than you
have ever been.
i'll let you
pull me under,
paint my eyes
with salt, blind me
so you can murmur, shh
even dead things
can be beautiful
if wishes were fishes,

--

critique for #theWrittenRevolution : [link]

-how was the flow? did the line breaks add to or take away from the poem?
-did the two pieces tie together?
-was it too cliched?
-other opinions?

:heart:
Add a Comment:
 
:icontgiba:
TGIBA Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I can't even find words to describe how much I love this....
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Student Photographer
thank you so much :heart:
Reply
:icontgiba:
TGIBA Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for giving birth to this amazing creation!!!
Reply
:icontiajones:
tiajones Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
"hush
don't wish on things
falling too fast
to hear you"

the flow was lovely!
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012  Student Photographer
thank you :heart:
Reply
:icontiajones:
tiajones Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
of course. (:
Reply
:iconpencil-wolf:
Pencil-Wolf Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012  Student General Artist
I love how some of the lines blend together. It really makes it flow, and keeps the brain working, connecting two ideas to each other, and how it goes from one idea to another, like a and ab, b, bc (each letter being a different idea, a is dusty telescopes, ab, dusty throats... does that make sense? XD) in the second stanza. My favorite lines are definitely the ones in italics. (: This is beautiful.

I think the line added to the piece, giving it a mental pause, and that the two sections do go well together.
Reply
:iconmoondrums:
moondrums Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2012  Student Photographer
thank you :heart:
Reply
:iconpencil-wolf:
Pencil-Wolf Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2012  Student General Artist
Welcome. (:
Reply
:iconmissdelayingit:
Missdelayingit Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This piece is so interesting, I love it!
Reply
Add a Comment: