literature

instead, instead, instead

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Literature Text

i can't remember the last time i saw you.

instead, i trace your name
along my arm:
goosebumps like braille, raw
fingertips and
the soft side of my wrist
you've never touched.
i know me better than i know you
and i don't know me at all.

-

i can't remember the last time i spoke to you.

instead, i erased your number
from my phone:
i'll miss your static, my poor
reception and
pretending to have nothing to say.
you never guessed that i was penning novels
beneath my tongue.

-

what i do remember is
the last time i was whole:

my hand and yours
criss-crossed, entwined.
now i'm left with splintered palms and

ghosts between my fingers.
should have, could have, would have.

-

recent critique for :iconthewrittenrevolution: : [link]

-was it too clichéd?
-how was the flow/word choice?
-did it end too suddenly?

:heart:
© 2011 - 2024 moondrums
Comments56
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salshep's avatar
It's really difficult to approach love poems in terms of 'cliche',  considering just how many billions of love poems there are in the world, heh. But this one didn't make my eyes bleed, which puts it a notch above a great many others, so it has that going for it.

I see a couple of places where you've perhaps lapsed into overstatement - by which I mean, added stuff that actually deflates the stuff before it. The "I know me better.." lines, for example, are a bit 'telling not showing' prosey and dull compared with the impact of the wrist 'you've never touched' - which immediately shows me a hint to the nature of the relationship and makes me want to read on.

The 2nd strophe is pretty good, I liked the novellas under the tongue. My main problem is with strophe 3, which isn't as sharp and image-driven as what comes before it, sort of widdling off into wistfulness and in a not-very-interesting way - I did like the ghosty fingers, but feel that a bit of time and thought put into revising the entire section would really help bring this to a close the rest of the poem deserves. How to do that.. well, seems to me you've the skill to figure that out, but please accept my encouragement in that process as i think this is well worth the effort.